Defining Expectations

Study #2 in the Biblical Counseling Series

Defining Expectations

A Biblical Counseling Series

Early in our marriage, I found myself very frustrated with my husband’s inability to see the overflowing trash can. Growing up in my house, my stepdad always took out the trash. It never occurred to me that my husband would not relish his role as “Hero of the Tidy Trash Bin”. Ha! And this was not my only unspoken expectation. One day the Lord moved me to write them all down. Single-spaced, front and back, I ended up with an entire sheet of paper full of expectations for my husband. Then a jarring thought shot through me: what if he had an equally long list of expectations for me that he assumed I knew? That thought made me analyze just how many of those expectations were valid. Was there a vow in my marriage that precluded me from taking out the trash? Did God direct my husband to be my “helpmeet” or was it my privilege to be his? One of the blessings of marriage is the maturity that happens by learning to live with and love another sinful person.

Webster defines expectation as “the act of expecting or looking forward to a future event with at least some reason to believe the event will happen.”

Expectations are not bad things. However, how we handle the disappointment when those expectations are not met can be wrong. In the first post in this counseling series on Biblical lamentation, I discussed the room in my heart filled with hurt from so many unfulfilled expectations. The Bible word for this “stuffing” would be named bitterness. When disappointment is not dealt with Biblically it can and will turn into bitterness.

A dear Pastor’s wife gave me this reminder many years ago and it sits next to Ephesians 4:26-32 in my Bible.

Sinful anger is directed toward God. It starts by being BOTHERED, which if ignored becomes a BURDEN, which must be dealt with one of two ways—BEAR OR FORBEAR. If not, it becomes an IRRITATION, which left alone simmers into RESENTMENT, which festers into ANGER, which boils into HATRED, ENVY, and MALICE, which always ends in BITTERNESS—and which always must be CUT out.

–Mrs. Twila Jones

Cutting out bitterness is even more painful than dealing with the hurt from the beginning. Long-held bitterness comes with a host of medical and mental conditions, as well. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and paranoia can all come out of the deep roots of bitterness. Ask me how I know.

Sinful anger gives place to the devil every single time. It allows him to bother us, to use us for his purposes, and to steal our peace. Here is how the Bible puts it.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil. Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4:26-30

Are there reasonable expectations that could be disappointed? Yes. A spouse should be expected to keep the vows made before God. A parent should be expected to love and meet the needs of their children. A friend should be a giver and not just a taker. Children should not die before their parents. Pregnancies should not end in miscarriage. There are a host of things that could be added in this broken world we live in.

So how do we deal with the disappointed expectations of a broken world? What do you do if you have a room in your heart filled with bitterness toward God, a person, or a circumstance? There is only one thing to do. The Great Physician is the only surgeon on the planet who can cut out the root of bitterness. It is painful but it will never heal until He does His work.

My recommendation?

Write down all the unfulfilled and unmet expectations. Recognize which ones are valid. (Some you will recognize as unimportant in the grand scheme of things, like whether my husband or I took out the trash.)

Those unmet expectations must be turned to God to fulfill with Himself. In that disappointment, He promises to be the answer to that need. He will make that bitter place sweeter with His presence than it ever would have been had you gotten what you expected.

My soul, wait thou only upon God;
for my expectation is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation:
he is my defence; I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory:
the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God.
Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him:
God is a refuge for us. Selah.

Psalm 62:5-8

I pray this is helpful. If you have any thoughts that could be added, or if you object to anything you might view as unbiblical, I would be happy to hear them. As always, please feel free to contact me by email or place a comment down below.

Below, please find a bookmark that can be printed with the quote I have written beside Ephesians 4:29. Have a blessed weekend, my friends.