Marriage Advice to My Younger Self

“Marrying your father at eighteen was the worst decision I ever made.” My children laughingly remove the “at eighteen” part, but truly, I am thankful to be married to my husband now. God has helped us overcome so many trials together, we have both had time to mature and learn to be less selfish and demanding. Marriage is a gift from God, both in giving companionship, but even more so, in sanctification. This is the crux of the gift of marriage—not necessarily happiness all the time, but a growing together in holiness.

            My oldest daughter, born before I even turned twenty, is now engaged to her best friend and preparing for her own wedding day. When she turned eighteen, I shook my head in wonder that I ever thought getting married at that age was a good idea. She has a much better head on her shoulders at this point in her life than I did when I was preparing to get married, but there are always lessons to be learned once the realities of marriage settle in to stay. If I were to give my eighteen-year-old self marriage advice, here are the highlights.

• Do not even consider marriage to someone who is not demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit in his life. A confession of salvation means nothing if that person is constantly angry, flying off the handle, or displaying deceitful or otherwise sinful behavior. Those are red flags and should be confronted if this is a person you are considering. Many people, however, are looking for a perfect person to marry who will fulfill all their deepest longings. Those qualifications can only be fulfilled by Jesus. We marry sinners, for as Elisabeth Elliot pointed out, there is no one else to marry.
• Be prepared to face the unspoken expectations you both hold. It’s a good idea to talk about the roles your parents lived out before you, and understand what  your future spouse expects of you. Who will track the finances, who will organize the grocery buying, how will the laundry get done, what will weekends and time off look like? How will discipline be handled with the children. Are there dreams you have for how they will be raised and educated? These may be asked in pre-marital counseling, so take them seriously before the marriage.
• Discuss in advance whether divorce is an option before you say, “I do.” Unless you decide to work through the hard stuff, divorce might seem like an easy out. Unfortunately, a lack of commitment from either party causes life-long pain and heartache that could have been avoided from the beginning.
• Marriage is not a fairy-tale where you tie the knot and then live happily ever after. A good marriage has conflict. No conflict in marriage could point to a larger problem where one person might always let the other have their own way.
• If you refuse to go to bed angry, then the problem must find resolution. Avoid starting sentences with, “You always” or “You never.” Give the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise and find what works in your marriage. You are two unique people with your own unique quirks. What works for others may not work for you.
• Seek counsel if you are struggling. Ask those who have gone before you a little way what has worked for them. People who love you want to see you succeed.
• Above all, invest both singly and together in a vibrant, growing walk with the Lord. A three-fold cord is not quickly broken because God holds you together when otherwise you might be at the breaking point.

These are the things that come immediately to mind, but please feel free to add to them in the comments!

Have a wonderful weekend, my friend!

Erica B.