Worship: In Marriage

A recent conversation with a missionary with more than three decades of experience discussed the sad state of Christian marriages. More than anything, he has seen marital conflict derail and destroy those who came to share the Gospel in his country as new missionaries. Their inability to solve conflict sent them home, many of them with irreparable damage that was not undone upon their reentry stateside. Broken homes litter the Christian ministry landscape at nearly the same rate as those who do not identify as Christians.

For those in full-time Christian service, most have gone through years of extensive Bible training. How then does Biblical application not translate to a stronger, healthier marriage? There are a few reasons for this, and hopefully, this post can help all Christian marriages, not just those in full-time Christian service.

1. Christian couples fail to recognize just how fiercely the enemy fights against God-glorifying marriages.
2. Many in full-time Christian service fear asking for help since they are supposed to be the Biblical “experts” to which other people come.
3. Unbiblical patterns from each spouse’s family of origin continue unless intentionally and purposefully confronted and changed.
4. Ministry outside the home is considered a higher priority than the ministry inside the home.

The Enemy

From the beginning, Satan has sought to divide what God has brought together. In the entire six days of Creation, everything was declared “good” except man’s single state.

¹⁸ And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. Genesis 2:18

God created a helper who would be perfectly fit for Adam’s needs. However, Satan’s first work was to shake up this union. By tempting Eve to act outside Adam’s headship, Adam was forced to decide whether he would obey God. He chose disobedience, which then introduced the sin that would inflict pain on every marriage after him.

Satan’s tactics have not changed, but Christians are often oblivious to his outright war on all that God deems good. Spiritual warfare targets Christian homes because marriage reflects the picture of Christ and His church according to Ephesians 5:22-33. 1 Peter 5:8-9 challenges Christians to recognize and resist the enemy’s tactics. By turning the fight to the real enemy instead of each other, the couple can become united in a common goal: resisting Satan’s goal to destroy their marriage.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: ⁹ Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world. 1 Peter 5:8-9

Fear of Asking for Help

When facing a serious medical problem, the only hope for relief is to go to those trained with the answers needed to overcome the problem. When a marriage is hurting and everything done in the past has not solved the problem, going to someone with more experience is just as important as someone with a medical need.  In “Reconcilable Differences: Hope and Healing for Troubled Marriages,” author Virginia Holeman interviewed twelve volunteer couples who overcame serious marital brokenness. Eight of the couples overcame infidelity in their marriage, but all their stories contained good reasons for divorce. Many of them claimed that friends in their churches advised divorce in their situations. However, each of the twelve couples interviewed reached out for help and found healing in their spiritual community. (p. 81) Some went to marriage conferences, and some reached out to their pastor or Biblical marriage counselor for help.  Galatians 6:2 commands believers to bear one another’s burdens. Asking for help is not only necessary but also one of the main reasons God puts His children in church families.

Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;) ²⁴ And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works: ²⁵ Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching. Hebrews 10:23-25

More “one-anothering” exhortations can be found in Romans 15:14 and Titus 2. The fear of asking for help is veiled pride, and pride opposes the grace God wants to apply to a hurting marriage. Do not let pride lead to the destruction of what God joined together.

Unbiblical Patterns from the Family of Origin

All truth is God’s truth, and even secular psychologists stumble upon God’s truth at times. Such is the case with John Gottman and his wife Julie. The Gottmans have spent their careers studying patterns that lead couples to divorce, and their findings can help all marriages. Much of their work is based on attachment theory, or how children felt connected to their caregivers in their early years. In this theory, how a parent responds to a child’s needs leads to attachment patterns in their adult life for better or worse.

There is much too much to share in a short blog post. However, one major contributor to divorce is when a spouse turns away, rejects, or discounts the other’s stated or unstated needs.  The Gottmans label four specific patterns of turning away as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. These four patterns are defined as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling.

Often the spouses repeat patterns they saw and felt in their homes growing up. When one spouse reaches out in some way and feels rejected or dismissed, that spouse may increase the volume of their distress by criticizing or spewing hateful words. The other spouse falls into the pattern of defensiveness or stonewalling. Conflicts are never resolved, and the hurt creates deeper wounds the longer this dance continues.

To combat this destructive pattern, the Gottmans created the “Sound House Relationship” Theory, modeled like the levels of a house to teach couples how to create new patterns of working through problems. (Sound Relationship House Flyer-ac63ee5feac2a6c548681939d064b3fe4bfc94d6eefcf0fd2553782c633e04b8.pdf.)

Often, just recognizing this sinful response pattern can create a starting point for change. The Bible is very clear that the wrath of man cannot work the righteousness of God (James 1:20) but living with a fellow sinner will cause conflict. The idea is not to avoid conflict but to use the conflict to mature spiritually and grow closer to each other.

Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. ²⁶ Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: ²⁷ Neither give place to the devil. Ephesians 4:25-27

Prioritizing Ministry in the Home

One of the greatest lessons driven home in the years before our family arrived on the mission field was the story of Noah and his family. In a world where every man’s heart was evil continually before the Lord, Noah’s century of ministry won no one to God’s cause except his family. When the rain finally began, every one of Noah and his wife’s sons, and their wives, were safely in the ark. Noah prioritized the ministry to his family while also building the ark and preaching God’s judgment to come.  Lot’s situation in Genesis 19 highlights a man who did not prioritize ministry in his family life.

And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law. Genesis 19:14

²⁶ But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt. Genesis 19:26

Tragically, Lot’s family had no reverence for God or the eternal because he never made it a point of importance in their home.  Lot was a man of authority in his community, but his priorities were misplaced. He lost his wife and his married children in one destructive moment. Later his single daughters would get him drunk and sleep with him so they could have children. Lot’s life is a poignant reminder that unless God is intentionally prioritized, once godly homes will look no different from the ungodly homes around them.

Conclusion

This post has only highlighted a few pitfalls of marriage, but I pray it is a starting point for change for a hurting couple. My husband and I have experienced just how strong spiritual warfare is for those who set out to serve God in full-time ministry. Our marriage is still intact today only by the grace of God and the godly counsel of our pastor and his wife when we came off the field. I will not leave you with the delusion that our marriage is now perfect, or that we never struggle, but we have learned how to lean into each other in conflict, rather than turn away. We have also learned to prioritize each other’s needs more than outside ministry. We are better together, and what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder. Amen.

As always, I am praying for those who read this blog post. I pray that the enemy will be hindered in his quest for destruction and that godly homes will light up the darkness around them. Have a blessed weekend, my friends.

Erica B.